The Hidden Scars of Online Love: The Emotional Impact of Romance Fraud

Romance fraud causes more than financial loss. It can leave victims grieving a relationship that never truly existed, questioning their judgement and struggling to trust other people.

The emotional impact may continue long after payments have stopped. A victim can lose money, future plans, confidence, friendships and a sense of personal safety at the same time.

An Essex woman reportedly lost almost £100,000 after being manipulated over several years by someone she believed she was in a genuine relationship with. Her experience reflects the sustained emotional pressure often used in romance fraud, where the offender builds trust before introducing financial requests.

Police and fraud-reporting guidance recognises that romance fraud can cause serious emotional distress as well as substantial financial harm.

Why romance fraud can feel like bereavement

A victim may not simply be processing the loss of money. They may also be confronting the loss of:

• A relationship they believed was genuine;
• A future involving marriage, travel or living together;
• Trust in their own judgement;
• Financial security built over many years;
• Confidence in online relationships;
• Contact with someone who had become part of their daily life;
• A sense of identity and independence.

Messages, calls and plans may have formed part of the victim’s routine for months or years.

When the fraud is exposed, the emotional relationship ends abruptly. The person may then have to accept that many intimate conversations, promises and apparent acts of affection were part of a deliberate deception.

This can create a form of grief without the social recognition normally given to bereavement or the end of a genuine relationship.

How emotional manipulation develops

Romance fraudsters rarely begin with an immediate demand for a large payment.

They may first create intimacy through:

• Frequent messages and calls;
• Declarations of love or commitment;
• Shared stories about hardship or loss;
• Promises of marriage or a future together;
• Constant reassurance and attention;
• Encouragement to discuss private fears and experiences;
• Claims that the victim is the only person they can trust;
• Pressure to keep the relationship private.

Once the emotional bond is established, financial requests may be presented as a test of loyalty, a temporary crisis or an investment in the couple’s shared future.

This can make the victim feel that refusing money would mean abandoning someone they love.

Why victims may continue sending money

People sometimes ask why a victim continued making payments after warning signs appeared. That question overlooks the way the fraud develops.

A victim may continue because:

• The relationship has existed for a long time;
• Earlier payments appear to justify later ones;
• The fraudster repeatedly promises repayment;
• Stopping may mean accepting that previous losses cannot be recovered;
• The victim has been isolated from family and friends;
• The offender creates urgent medical, legal or family emergencies;
• Questioning the story triggers anger, distress or accusations of betrayal;
• The victim fears losing both the relationship and the money already sent.

This is sometimes described as the sunk-cost effect, but financial reasoning is only part of the explanation. Emotional attachment, fear and manipulation may be equally important.

Shame and self-blame

Many victims feel embarrassed after discovering the fraud.

They may believe they should have recognised the warning signs or worry that other people will judge them.

This can lead them to:

• Delay reporting the fraud;
• Hide the extent of the financial loss;
• Avoid speaking to family members;
• Withdraw from friends or colleagues;
• Refuse practical or emotional support;
• Continue communicating with the fraudster;
• Respond to recovery scammers who promise a private solution.

Romance fraud is not caused by a victim being unintelligent or careless.

Offenders deliberately exploit trust, affection, loneliness, hope and ordinary human behaviour. Victim Support and law-enforcement guidance both emphasise the emotional and financial damage caused by this form of fraud.

The effect on mental wellbeing

The emotional consequences may include:

• Anxiety;
• Depression;
• Sleep problems;
• Loss of appetite;
• Difficulty concentrating;
• Fear of further contact;
• Hypervigilance;
• Feelings of humiliation;
• Social withdrawal;
• Difficulty forming new relationships;
• Grief and a sense of betrayal.

Some victims may also experience pressure from debt, housing insecurity or the loss of savings intended for retirement or family members.

Where distress is severe, professional emotional or medical support may be appropriate. Victim Support provides confidential assistance to people affected by crime and traumatic incidents.

Why reporting can be difficult

Reporting may require the victim to explain private conversations, intimate details and financial decisions to strangers.

They may also fear:

• Being blamed;
• Not being believed;
• Losing the relationship permanently;
• Retaliation from the fraudster;
• Public exposure;
• Family conflict;
• Professional embarrassment;
• Further financial consequences.

Some victims remain uncertain whether the person was completely false or whether part of the relationship was genuine.

A supportive response should focus on the evidence and the immediate risk rather than forcing the victim to accept every aspect of the deception at once.

How family and friends can help

Relatives often identify concerns before the victim is ready to act.

A confrontational approach can cause the victim to defend the relationship or stop discussing it.

A more constructive response is to:

1. Listen without ridicule or blame.
2. Ask open questions about how the relationship began.
3. Focus on specific inconsistencies rather than attacking the person involved.
4. Encourage a pause in further payments.
5. Offer to contact the bank together.
6. Help preserve messages and transaction records.
7. Suggest independent identity verification.
8. Support police or fraud reporting.
9. Remain available even if the victim is not ready to accept help immediately.

Avoid phrases such as:

• “How could you believe that?”
• “It was obviously a scam.”
• “You should have known better.”
• “Just block them and move on.”

These responses can increase shame and make the victim less likely to seek help.

Supporting someone who remains in contact

A victim may continue communicating with the suspected fraudster even after concerns have been raised.

This does not necessarily mean that they reject help. They may be struggling to reconcile the evidence with a relationship that felt real.

Helpful steps include:

• Agreeing that no more money will be sent while checks are made;
• Preserving communications rather than deleting them immediately;
• Reviewing the identity and financial claims independently;
• Contacting the bank;
• Developing a safety plan if threats or harassment begin;
• Seeking specialist emotional support;
• Avoiding direct confrontation with the suspected fraudster.

Where continued contact creates a risk of further loss or harm, police, legal or specialist advice may be needed.

What victims can do after discovering the fraud

The immediate practical response should include:

1. Stopping further payments.
2. Contacting the bank or payment provider.
3. Reporting the fraud through the appropriate police or fraud-reporting service.
4. Preserving full message histories, payment records and account details.
5. Securing email, banking and social-media accounts.
6. Informing the platform where the relationship began.
7. Seeking emotional support.
8. Avoiding organisations that guarantee recovery.

For a full prevention checklist, read How to Spot a Romance Scam: Warning Signs and Practical Steps.

For guidance after money has been transferred, read Romance Fraud Investigation and Asset Recovery: What Victims Should Do.

Recovery is not only financial

Financial recovery may be important, but it is only one part of the wider process.

Recovery can also involve:

• Restoring personal safety;
• Understanding how the manipulation occurred;
• Rebuilding confidence;
• Repairing family relationships;
• Addressing debt or housing concerns;
• Obtaining emotional support;
• Preventing further contact;
• Regaining control over personal information;
• Recognising and avoiding recovery scams.

Victim Support offers confidential and personalised support for people affected by fraud, including help with emotional wellbeing and practical next steps.

When an investigation may help

A private investigation may be useful where the victim or family needs to understand:

• Whether the identity is genuine;
• Who may be operating the profile;
• Whether other accounts or aliases are connected;
• Where payments were sent;
• Whether companies, addresses or cryptocurrency wallets are involved;
• Whether evidence can support banking, legal or law-enforcement action;
• Whether identifiable assets or intermediaries exist.

An investigation cannot guarantee identification, prosecution or recovery.

Its purpose may be to establish facts, organise evidence and help the victim and advisers make informed decisions.

Romance-fraud investigation support

Conflict International assists individuals, families and legal advisers with cases involving romance fraud, false identities and financial deception.

Depending on the circumstances, our work may include:

• Identity and background enquiries;
• Open-source and digital investigation;
• Financial intelligence;
• Company and address research;
• Cryptocurrency analysis;
• Asset tracing;
• Evidence collation;
• Support for legal advisers and law enforcement.

Learn more about our Fraud and Financial Investigation Services, or contact us in confidence to discuss the available evidence and realistic next steps.

Where money has recently been sent, contact the bank and report the fraud before waiting for a private investigation.